thursday at last

it’s almost time to go home and ifeel really tired. my eyes  are hurting and my stomach’s churning something inside. (that i don’t wanna know)

last night, i dreamt of someone whom i once loved. his face was so clear to me. he was smiling and he seemed happy with what he was doing; he was playing the keyboard. he winced when he played a different tune. I was glad that he got back to his ‘first love’. suddenly, another scene popped up wherein he was holding me in his arms. he looked happy. i felt like i was happy too. then the end.

when i woke up, i felt peace. i don’t know where it sprang from. maybe the dream caused it or i just had more sleep than what i usually have. i know i shouldn’t feel this (he’s married already), but i missed him. the times when he would defend me from our childhood friends because they treated me as ‘salingkit’. when we, together with other friends, would buy junk food from aling carmen. when the boys would go to our house just to wake me up and tell me that it’s time to go to church to play.

i have a lot of memories about my childhood days. and if i could, i would’nt do anything but write about them all day long. i had happy days then. and i feel like peter pan who thought of happy thoughts when he wanted to fly. i think of happy days back then when i want to fly and leave my worries to the ground. i think of lala, vonwelt, pom-poms, chickadees, patintero, chinese garter, ten-twenty, langit-impyerno, jackstones, shato, sweet violet, tumbang preso, luksong baka, tira-tira, cornik, isaw, children’s camp, clay, piano, pews…

i ‘live’ on memories. i can’t let go of them even if i wanted to. i think it’s because they kinda honed me to what i am today. and in return, i try to keep them alive even it they’re long dead already.

i thank God for my long-term memory retaining gift. (whatever that means. ^^)

i’m not. i think.

it’s your eyes.

your face.

your stance.

it’s they way you walk.

the way you look at me.

they way you look away when you see me looking at you.

 

it’s your ways.

not you.

 

i think…

take it all.

I like ’5 loaves and two fishes’ by corinne may. It was just, i think, yesterday or the other day that i was able to listen well to the lyrics; I was listening to her songs for a month already. Anyway, I’m having trust issues lately. And I couldn’t seem to hang on to the ‘words’ that I’ve been hearing for the past 8 years. I’m really penitent for that. You see, when things go wrong, especially when you don’t expect them to be, you ask why. You have these questions popping up from everywhere. I don’t want to ask. I don’t wanna question why things happen, why I’m still hurting, and why some people don’t understand. It’s just that I couldn’t help but ask. So, when I listened to the song again, I noticed some words that I didn’t seem to hear when I was so into it. The words ‘I trust you.’ slapped me in the face. And I cried… I cried really hard. What am I doing? Why so little faith? I understood then that I was trusting myself with what I can do to change the course of my fate. I felt so stupid. 

I thank God for everything. That’s all I can really say.

* 5 loaves and two fishes by corrinne may * 

A little boy of thirteen
was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing
and he went to take a look

Thousands were listening
to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom,
even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly
the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry
but there was no food in sight

The boy looked in his lunchbox
at the little that he had
He wasn’t sure what good it’d do
there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
the kindness in His smile
and the boy cried out
with the trust of a child
he said:”

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you willI surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
to feed them all”

I often think about that boy
when I’m feeling smal
land I worry that the work I do
means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry
is a diamond in His hands
and every door that slams in my face
I will offer up in prayer

So I’ll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my “Amen”

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you willI surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it’s not too small
I trust in youI trust in you

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you willI surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
no gift is too small

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